Conversations with myself: Taking back the #thighgap
I've had a long, hurtful relationship with my body. For as long as I can remember, I've always known that my body was different than everyone else's. Growing up in San Diego, among beautiful, bikini-clad people, enforced this idea even more. Everywhere you looked, people were in shape and active.
I'm a curvy woman. I have broad shoulders. I'm only 5'1. I have hips. I have thunder thighs. I have calves that men would kill for. I know that my body is different. I've had strangers, like massage therapists, ask me upon looking at my body, "Wow. Are you an athlete or a swimmer? You have big legs." I've even had a co-worker, who lacks certain social filters, call out the size of my legs in front of co-workers when I decided to wear some skin-tight rain boots one day.
For all sorts of reasons, when people talk about my body, it makes me uncomfortable. And it's been like this for decades.
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These last few months have been really transformational. I joined ClassPass because I needed a new way to sweat and workout. I ended up finding that I loved discovering new neighborhoods and fitness studios because it really got me out of my comfort zone. I found ways to enjoy workouts and stopped looking at them as just a way to maintain my weight and continue to eat poorly.
My move to Oakland really opened up my access to healthy and delicious food and markets. I found Imperfect Produce and have naturally just started eating better. And I still found ways to go on long walks around town to see neighborhoods on foot.
I started using cannabis as a plant-based tool to heal sore muscles after intense cardio workouts. I've used it to walk or hike further, push myself harder during workouts, or to go deeper in yoga classes.
I worked through a lot of emotional pain from past relationships because I was able to take what I learned and offer my knowledge to friends who were enduring similar pain. I realized that my previous relationship caused me trauma and I felt like I was still recovering from the pain even though I'm currently in the healthiest relationship of my adult life. Finding clarity in that trauma allowed me to let go of all the pain, shed an old skin, and come through the other side as a stronger woman.
Because of these events and so much more, I recently learned that I lost 17 pounds in the last year. When I wrap my head around that, it blows my mind. I wasn't even trying to lose weight but rather I made my health and mental clarity a priority this year.
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One of my biggest fitness goals as of late is to finally achieve a gap between my thighs. It's such a weird thing to try and accomplish -- this idea of a thigh gap -- but it's been something I've focused on for as long as I can remember.
If you're a woman reading this now whose thighs rub together constantly, you know what I'm getting at here. Girls who have a normal thigh gap will never know what this feels like or how big of a pain it is. I'll spare you the details.
Throughout these past few months, I've seen and felt my body change. From mind, body and soul, I feel like a different person. I feel stronger and that I finally don't care what other people think about me or my body. I own this body and everything it's been through.
One of my biggest a-ha moments from the past year is realizing I'm stronger than I think I am. I know this because I'm finally in tune with my body.
Last year, I met with my spiritual astrologist Joyce (yup, I'm that girl now who has a spiritual guide) and told her that I was about to go on an amazing journey through Peru. I told her about our four-day hiking trek to Machu Picchu and she mentioned how my "legs of iron" would show me how strong I truly am.
She was right.
For the first time ever, I can say that I love my body. Since taking the class with Taryn Toomey and since learning about the art of embodiment, I'm more in tune with what's going on inside of me. And I feel empowered by it. I've found myself in the shower or before bed thanking my legs for allowing me to walk to work or sweat like a crazy person during a workout. I've found moments to do this with all of the body parts I once thought weren't perfect or ideal.
Because now that I love my body, the idea of a thigh gap seems so superficial to me. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see.
It took me a really long time to get to the point I'm at now. Sometimes you have to break down all of the walls and pain to see clarity and hope.