Conversations with myself: Know your worth

How many people will agree with me when I say that 2018 was a real mother’ of a year. Politically, societally, culturally, astrologically, mentally. Last year knocked me off my feet and I’m eager to move forward into the New Year, take what I learned, and grow from it.

I’ve been struggling with this idea of knowing my worth. Negotiating my worth and having to prove it to others. I put myself out there in SO many ways last year and I’m still reflecting on the outcome of what I manifested.

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I’m in the process of looking for a new job and it’s been amazing to step back and see where I’ve come. I’ve had my head in the clouds doing the corporate thing and it’s been four years since I’ve looked for a new job. I can’t believe how much my professional life has grown. How did four years feel like it flashed by in a moment?

One of the most tedious parts of finding a new job is updating all of your records on career finder sites. I got a reminder the other day from Monster.com that my profile was about to expire. I logged in and started cleaning up house, adding my latest accolades and experience working at my current role.

I got into a black hole somehow and started editing a previous resume from years ago. It was so early on in my career that my internships and lackluster content farm jobs were at the top of the list.

How often do we reflect on how far we come? I’ve been so focused on moving forward, growing, expanding, making and doing more, that I forgot, for a moment, where I’ve come.

Before I started my current job, I felt like my professional career was a hot mess. I started writing professionally in 2006 and interned at a real estate and luxury lifestyle magazine in San Diego, eventually climbing up the ladder to Editorial Assistant. I got a glimpse into what it was like to actually work at a paper magazine. I expanded my territory and my skills a bit and found myself working for a rad luxury magazine in Orange County.

I acted as the assistant to an affluent editor who allowed me to have a voice in art design and schedule and manage photoshoots and writer assignments. It was a dream and I felt powerful when I’d show up to a media party and people knew who I was.

And then the recession hit. All of the magazines I wrote for started shutting down because they couldn’t afford printing costs. People were going digital and so were the jobs.

I pivoted my writing style and learned how to write SEO copy. It definitely wasn’t as glam as my previous jobs. I wasn’t writing about the season’s hottest beauty products or a $5 million home in Malibu. I was writing 500 word “blogs” at a content farm about topics using keywords like “nuts and bolts” or “patio furniture.” The office was kind of a mess, the work was silly, but I met one of my greatest friends there in that office. And not to mention, the teachings and the tools of the SEO world.

Online marketing and SEO weren’t really going anywhere at the time so I worked at a few other agencies writing optimized content for all sorts of clients. I eventually focused on freelance and contract work where I could find it. Through my network of friends and colleagues, I landed gigs writing product specs for Charlotte Russe; proofreading newsletters for the United Way of San Diego; crafting blogs posts for a social media consultant; editing and ghostwriting a book for a financial advisor; and so much more.

One of my favorite jobs was writing content for the marketing group at Intuit TurboTax. I was absolutely thrilled working there. The campus was amazing, the talent there was outstanding, and the company was so efficient in the way it worked. After my season at TurboTax ended, I was eager to get back into the corporate world. I told myself that one day, I’d be the voice behind a major American brand.

I got a small taste of corporate life when I started freelancing for JP Morgan Chase but I wanted more…and I couldn’t find it in San Diego. I told myself that if I couldn’t find a decent job by the end of 2014, I was going to move to Bali for a few months to reset some intentions, goals — my life.

And then I got a call from a recruiter who found me my current role.

Four years later, I’m leaving a place that helped to shape me into the professional I am today. I found my voice working in the corporate world and now I know I want more from myself and the company. I want to stretch my creative muscle again and tell the story behind a brand that’s doing something important for this world.

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I was chatting with a friend awhile back and she mentioned that during her path to discovering self-care, she learned how to “come into her power.” By spending time learning how to become her authentic self, she was learning how to understand and take control of the power she held within.

Now that we’re 11 days into the New Year, I’m ready for change and I accept the challenge. I’m ready to stretch, learn and be the voice I always knew I wanted to be.

With all of these experiences in all of these forms, I’m understanding how I value myself, my time, and my worth. I used to find discomfort with my work experience because I moved around and learned so many different trades. But now I appreciate all of my past jobs and clients because they got me to where I am today. And I am grateful.

Conversations about Fierce Self-Care with Riyana Rose Sang

Riyana Rose Sang sets a table full of tarot cards, crystals and candles

Do weird surprises just show up on your lap and something within you says, “Yeah, you should totally say yes to that…even though you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into”? It happens to me. Pretty often in fact. I have really good luck with stumbling across a person, place or thing and without having any sort of sense of fear, I just say yes to whatever it is and it ends up being something so beyond my belief.

I stumbled across this event in San Francisco through a sponsored Facebook post and without so much as reading its title and price tag, I decided to sign up for what turned out to the most heart-opening experience with strangers I’ve had in a long time. The event was Rosa Mystica Rising: Herbal Self Care for Witches, Healers & Creatives.

“This daylong deep dive is a devotional experience of tapping into the energy, wisdom, and healing of the earth and the energy, wisdom, and healing inherent in our own bodies and spirits, once we can find our way through the daily noise and move towards silence and deep listening,” I read in the event descriptions.

Yes. This is so up my alley. Where’s my credit card?!

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Little did I know that this Herbal Self Care retreat would not only teach me how to make my own herbal infused body oils and the healing powers of plants, but it also provided me with a total self-love, women’s group therapy, crack-your-heart-wide-open experience that blew me away. And it was something I didn’t realize I needed until the moment happened.

Riyana Rose Sang is an herbalist, mom, doula, and former street activist who used to get “excited to get arrested for the earth.” My kind of lady for sure. She gathered us all around and started off our day by discussing this resurgence of “witch craft” and all its forms.

Mercury retrograde memes, tarot readings, astrology, crystals. I’m guilty of all of them. But at the same time, there is some truth to the gaining interest in plant-based medicine and a curiosity for spiritualities outside of what we grew up with.

Riyana teaches us how to make our own herbal-infused oils and heart-opening cacao concoctions

We started by sharing with the group our intentions for the day. We sat around a table Riyana set with two decks of tarot cards, crystals, flowers and candles. We went around the room, we shared our names, preferred pronouns, and intentions for the day.

After a gnarly year, my intention for the day was to learn how to listen and trust myself and my instincts. And to be open to the divine connection between my self, soul and spirit.

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Riyana led us through a discussion on what she calls fierce self-care. It’s this idea of finding ways to nourish ourselves in order to grow, expand and connect to the bigger part of the world. We’re all experiencing this evolution of change and we’re being encouraged to confront our emotions. It’s the idea that we’re empowered to take responsibility of our own health and bring awareness to the choices that present themselves to us. And in the end, we radiate a sense of self-respect and self-love. We’re “showing up” as better people because we’re taking better care of ourselves.

Mind. Blown.

As we discussed our own ideas of self-worthiness, our group really connected over this idea of feeling like we’ve had to prove our own worth to ourselves.

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After what felt like a heart-opening group therapy session, we started diving deeper into the stellar benefits of working with plant-based rituals. I know you’re probably thinking, “Oh, wow Nadia is going a little overboard with this hippie dippie ‘plant-based’ talk,” but you guys. Don’t knock ‘til you try it. I’ve integrated plant-based medicine into my normal routine and I can safely say (knock on wood) that I haven’t gotten sick in 2+ years. Not a cold, not a flu, no nothing. And I owe it all to:

• Listening to my body

• Looking out for germy situations to fight earlier against them (thanks to my very germ-aware work wife for pointing out how gross people can be :))

• And the oregano oil tincture that I always carry on me (which when frequently explodes in my purse makes me waft the rankest, weed-iest smell)

The makings of one of Riyana’s Nourishing Infusions

Riyana led us through a demo of what she calls Nourishing Infusions. The simple action of making a tea and letting it sit overnight creates this beautiful plant-based ritual that I totally want to make part of my morning routine. We learned these amazing things like the nourishing benefits of oatstraw, which Riyana adorably calls like a “hug to your nervous system.” Plus, it’s good for feelings of overwhelm, stress and anxiety, so count me in. Red clover leaf is nourishing to our hormonal systems and is gently detoxifying. Red raspberry leaves help balance our hormonal levels and improve the brilliance of our hair, nails and teeth.

After nerding out on plants we all shared a meal together and got to know each other more openly. Someone at our table spoke up and asked if we could all go around the table and tell each other one thing that we loved about ourselves. Everyone came up with a beautiful answer. I love this ice breaker and I’m totally going to try this in real life.

After lunch, Riyana led us through a movement exercise that was paired with the senses of embodiment and smell. We got the down low on some of her favorite essential oils and dabbed a bit on our wrists and mindfully moved around the room to her voice and soft music.

This experience felt a bit mystical to me, as silly as that sounds. But I was surrounded by dozens of like-minded women who were all relying on the healing scents of geranium, lemon, Roman chamomile, patchouli, and others to just feel what was going on in their body or the emotions and feelings running through them. I dabbed a bit of patchouli and bergamot on my wrist and kinda just moved around the room and stretched. I found myself in the corner of the room, under a frosted window. It seemed like the sunniest spot in the room that moment. I just kinda shook my body around after sneaking in another whiff of my wrist. The scents were invigorating and I felt like I was opening up a bit more while feeling what was going on in my body and brain.

After a few more moments, Riyana asked us to journal our answer to, “Right now, I feel…”

“Right now, I feel open to possibilities. Open to letting of what no longer is needed,” I wrote down.

Riyana led us through a beautiful journal exercise with prompts about how we can find more balance and nourishment in our lives. It was truly amazing to witness where my heart and soul went while I inhaled the mixture of scents on my wrist. Riyana asked us to feel what came through from the plants. I felt lightness, in both form of weight and luminescence.

After re-looking at these notes while writing this post, my answers about the lightness I felt in that moment seemed to propel me to where I am today. I truly think that my experience with Riyana’s self-love retreat helped me to get out of my funk and get me back to what truly matters.

A witches brew: Riyana’s blend of herbal oils in the front and our cacao mixture in the back. Both were delicious.

As we closed out our day, Riyana walked us through a cacao ceremony. She told us about the heart-opening properties of this plant and how it helps to bring more oxygen to your brain by opening up your veins. Before we took our first sip of her amazing mixture, we took a few moments to have a conversation with ourselves.

Yes, it sounds a little crazy, but it was so therapeutic to take a moment to listen to Riyana’s gentle voice, to ponder the next steps to our healing path, and to think of something that we’re ready to let go. My heart and soul were so wide open by this point in the day. I could feel a stream of tears coming down my cheek as I heard some others releasing pain of their own.

From there, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Back to reality.

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One of the first things that Riyana told us was how excited she was because the day of the retreat fell one day after the Autumn Equinox, where day and night, along with the earth’s gravitation pull, are in perfect balance. It’s all about balance.

2018 has been a real mother’ and it felt fulfilling and right and empowering to take an entire day out for myself to focus. I used to feel selfish for doing things for myself because I was so used to pleasing others first. But now I realize the act of self-love is nothing to hide or feel embarrassed about.

The act of self-love should embolden you.

For more information about Riyana, check her out here.

Hello, old friend

It's been months since I've written. It's been months since I've been inspired enough to write. Even though I've had so many travels and adventures this year, it has been extremely difficult for me to find the time and space in my day and my brain to write. I let my job take over my world this year and because of that, I've felt a bit disconnected from the creative side of writing again. 

What happens when you're given a super high-profile project and lead role title at work and put yourself through a stupid amount of pressure, stress and anxiety when in reality, everything falls apart and nothing works out the way you thought it would? And then conflict in your personal life surfaces and then you feel you have to make that right all at the same time too? All while you pretend everything is "okay"? You break down. And I did. Hard.

My sleep cycles were all over the place. I remember a week of laying up in bed until almost 3 am just listening to the silence outside my window. I've never heard Oakland that quiet before. I remember waking up drenched in sweat one night. I dropped down to 157 pounds in a matter of what felt like three days. I haven't been that skinny since after college. And then I gained all the weight back, and then some, the following week. I couldn't focus and my memory was totally shot. I took a break from smoking. I felt manic. I felt depressed. I felt like I hated myself for not being able to shake this off. I had completely lost control.  

I let the stress of living and working and surviving in the Bay Area get to me. I noticed I was comparing myself to others who are my age and in my industry and started second guessing myself. I started interviewing. I started asking myself if there's something more out there that I needed to do.

It's been three weeks since we finished our project at work. I feel like I'm slowly coming out of the mess. My priorities in life feel like they have completely changed. I totally understand what corporate burnout feels like and I'm amazed that it only took me turning 34 and the last three and a half years at my job to be close to feeling it. But now it feels I'm in too deep. I have an insane amount of flexibility and freedom with my job to work remotely. I have proven myself to be a "valuable asset" to the company. Isn't that the dream though? To have all that corporate stability and those perks but still work from home every Friday? And sometimes every other Monday?

With all that being said, I hope that this feeling of being ready enough to write again sticks around. We went on this amazing trip to Sedona and I started writing about it and then my message started drifting to the lack of mental clarity I was feeling. I'm hoping to flex the creative side of my brain again because it's begging to get out. 

I feel like everyone I talk to these days is going through some drastic awakening or change and movement. Astrologically, there's a ton of shifting in the universe when it comes to self-reflection, understanding your truth, and learning how to react differently to patterns. Or, at least that's what I gather from all of these witchy, self-care podcasts I've been tuning into recently. 

My astrologer told me this was supposed to be a "beautiful" time for me in the grand scheme of things. And while it sucked in the moment, it's just my nature to find the silver lining with all of the crazy shit that life threw my way. Yes, it's a beautiful thing to live in the present, find gratitude, and be able to set intentions for the future. 

Here's to moving forward instead of trying to fix what happened in the past. To finding happiness in the mess. To addressing your demons and not letting them take over. To adulting. To savoring the waiting until your next big thing presents itself. To growing up and being the person you want to be authentically.

Conversations with myself: Taking back the #thighgap

I've had a long, hurtful relationship with my body. For as long as I can remember, I've always known that my body was different than everyone else's. Growing up in San Diego, among beautiful, bikini-clad people, enforced this idea even more. Everywhere you looked, people were in shape and active.   

I'm a curvy woman. I have broad shoulders. I'm only 5'1. I have hips. I have thunder thighs. I have calves that men would kill for. I know that my body is different. I've had strangers, like massage therapists, ask me upon looking at my body, "Wow. Are you an athlete or a swimmer? You have big legs." I've even had a co-worker, who lacks certain social filters, call out the size of my legs in front of co-workers when I decided to wear some skin-tight rain boots one day.

For all sorts of reasons, when people talk about my body, it makes me uncomfortable. And it's been like this for decades.

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These last few months have been really transformational. I joined ClassPass because I needed a new way to sweat and workout. I ended up finding that I loved discovering new neighborhoods and fitness studios because it really got me out of my comfort zone. I found ways to enjoy workouts and stopped looking at them as just a way to maintain my weight and continue to eat poorly.

My move to Oakland really opened up my access to healthy and delicious food and markets. I found Imperfect Produce and have naturally just started eating better. And I still found ways to go on long walks around town to see neighborhoods on foot.

I started using cannabis as a plant-based tool to heal sore muscles after intense cardio workouts. I've used it to walk or hike further, push myself harder during workouts, or to go deeper in yoga classes.  

I worked through a lot of emotional pain from past relationships because I was able to take what I learned and offer my knowledge to friends who were enduring similar pain. I realized that my previous relationship caused me trauma and I felt like I was still recovering from the pain even though I'm currently in the healthiest relationship of my adult life. Finding clarity in that trauma allowed me to let go of all the pain, shed an old skin, and come through the other side as a stronger woman.

Because of these events and so much more, I recently learned that I lost 17 pounds in the last year. When I wrap my head around that, it blows my mind. I wasn't even trying to lose weight but rather I made my health and mental clarity a priority this year.

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One of my biggest fitness goals as of late is to finally achieve a gap between my thighs. It's such a weird thing to try and accomplish -- this idea of a thigh gap -- but it's been something I've focused on for as long as I can remember.

If you're a woman reading this now whose thighs rub together constantly, you know what I'm getting at here. Girls who have a normal thigh gap will never know what this feels like or how big of a pain it is. I'll spare you the details.

Throughout these past few months, I've seen and felt my body change. From mind, body and soul, I feel like a different person. I feel stronger and that I finally don't care what other people think about me or my body. I own this body and everything it's been through.

One of my biggest a-ha moments from the past year is realizing I'm stronger than I think I am. I know this because I'm finally in tune with my body. 

Last year, I met with my spiritual astrologist Joyce (yup, I'm that girl now who has a spiritual guide) and told her that I was about to go on an amazing journey through Peru. I told her about our four-day hiking trek to Machu Picchu and she mentioned how my "legs of iron" would show me how strong I truly am.

She was right.

For the first time ever, I can say that I love my body. Since taking the class with Taryn Toomey and since learning about the art of embodiment, I'm more in tune with what's going on inside of me. And I feel empowered by it. I've found myself in the shower or before bed thanking my legs for allowing me to walk to work or sweat like a crazy person during a workout. I've found moments to do this with all of the body parts I once thought weren't perfect or ideal.

Because now that I love my body, the idea of a thigh gap seems so superficial to me. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see.   

It took me a really long time to get to the point I'm at now. Sometimes you have to break down all of the walls and pain to see clarity and hope. 

Conversations with Taryn Toomey of The Class

I was recently in New York for the Fast Company Innovation Festival. This conference was like any other I’ve been to. There wasn’t a massive trade show floor where industry people were showing off their latest digs or trying to acquire new customers with sleazy business practices and loads of unnecessary swag. Instead, attendees got to sign up for panels, keynotes and office visits called Fast Tracks to get into the minds and actual spaces of some really rad businesses rooted in Manhattan.

One of the coolest sessions I got to experience was titled “How Embodiment Will Improve Your Workout – and Every Other Part of Your Life.” Taryn Toomey, an amazing woman who I’m still learning about, is the founder of The Class, a fitness class focusing on movement and the mind-body connection. I’m such a fan girl when it comes to fitness and new ways to exercise and get in touch with my body. This session sounded amazing and Taryn would also lead us in her signature workout.

The New York studio is located in West Tribeca in a beautiful space adorned with candles, big hunks of quartz and crystals, as well as Chanel and other fancy cosmetic products lining the bathroom. Yoga mats were lined up in tight, a-little-too-close-for-my-comfort, rows when we arrived. (Little did I know this was all part of getting us out of our comfort zone.) I had no idea what I was getting myself into when class started but I was certainly ready for whatever Taryn had in store for us.

Crystals for daysss at The Class in Tribeca.

Taryn’s presence is tangible. She’s strong, supports those around her, and was just this force in fitness that I’d never really seen before. Our class was private and was only open to the 20 or so conference attendees who signed up. Music started, some people left their athletic shoes on and some went barefoot. We listened to our breath and started to ground ourselves once Taryn started talking about purpose and movement.

The class was unreal. There isn’t a single bucket that this class falls into. It has its own philosophy and if you’re still trying to mark this class as yoga, pilates, or cardio, you’re missing the whole point of Taryn’s passion for The Class.

The art of movement and embodiment, courtesy Jaimie Baird Photography

We stretched; we physically felt our feet on the ground by pounding them onto our mats; we matched our breath with our movement. There were times where we’d do one strenuous motion for the entirety of a five-minute song, like jump squats, push-ups, and mountain climbers. And as we all were out of breath as the last bars of the song played over the speaker, Taryn told us to hold still and be aware of our body in that moment.

In other cardio classes that I go to regularly, we use rapid movements to confuse our muscles and to make our body’s work harder. I’m usually dying after a couple minutes of burpees or running around in place. But the act of rapidly moving for five solid minutes only to place our hands on our chest, stomach, and/or heart was such a fascinating way to experience our minds and body in synchronization. Instead of normally grabbing for water, a towel, or high fiving our neighbor (which a lot of my instructors love to do ☺), we immediately listened to and felt our bodies in its current state – sweaty, overloaded, and entranced.   

The idea of maintaining a rapid plyometric, cardio movement for four to five minutes might sound crazy for those who consider themselves to be fit. Burpees for five minutes? Yeah right. But because of Taryn’s words of encouragement and the image of embodiment she conjured, we all pushed ourselves to be greater. It’s at this point that you realize that you are stronger than you think you are. And the men and women around you offer the support you need to make it through – whether it be their audible breath or words of encouragement.

Oh, and the whole image of shaking it out, dancing, screaming and grunting in The Class – it’s a real thing. There’s something so carnal about working out through whatever shit you’re dealing with while screaming and moving. It’s a release and might actually allow people to break through whatever crap they’re dealing with.

I screamed, I cried, I completely got lost in the movement and my own presence.

Taryn leading a class in her Tribeca studio, courtesy Jaimie Baird Photography

This might be the first time where I’ve worked out and actually felt my body reacting in that moment. There’s something so beautiful about getting in touch with your body and being aware of its connection to your mind and heart.

When people call this class life changing, you may think that it’s just a bunch of BS to pique your curiosity. Taryn’s inspirational words and even the stories she tells about her life and how she got to where she is today incites all kinds of emotion.

After our hour long class, Taryn sat down with us and a FastCo writer for an interview.

“Awareness is key and that’s what we’re practicing,” Taryn said. “The ability to be aware of what the mind is telling you….You are not your thoughts.”

“I’m not asking anyone to tell me what their pain is, or what brings them joy, or what their heartbreak was. I’m inviting one to experience it themselves without the narration to the other human. And in that space, there’s a lot of freedom,” she continued.

Taryn created The Class as a method to heal from her past. She describes herself as a wacky creative who thought she was just crazy. “I’ve surrounded myself with people who have told me to channel my creativity and the way I think about and experience things as a way to help people to experience things differently.”

Another reason Taryn created The Class was so that should could have a space for people to come and feel alive so they can work on themselves among a really strong community.

“We want a place where we can come to feel what we want to feel without anyone telling us how to feel it. We can be completely bold, raw, angry and fierce. We can also be super graceful, kind, subtle and feminine at the same time. That’s what the class is,” she said. “People come to the class to feel what they want to feel, process it, and live through it.”

Taryn has a deep interest in esoteric, spiritual practices that she says are better felt than seen. At the same time, she labels herself as a skeptic. Alas, she understands how to talk about energy in a way that makes sense to everyone.

“Here you are, on this earth,” she said, as she hit the wooden panels of the bench she sat on. “Here you are in this body and you can feel what it feels like.” With The Class, she brings together the idea of spirituality with embodiment.

Sweaty, grounded, and energized after a class with Taryn Toomey of The Class in Tribeca, NYC.

“For me, when you move your physical body and you apply what you’ve learned spiritually and emotionally, the unseen is felt,” she continued. “Once you feel this, it becomes real in a way where it’s not esoteric. This class is a manifestation of my life and I have the honor of teaching it to others.”

“We’re opening up a room for people to feel. Do we scream and cry? Sure. But people also breathe and become aware of how it feels to feel. Or how it feels when your ass is on fire when we’re doing 10 minutes of burpees and their hearts are beating. If you need to let some sound out, go for it!”

I asked Taryn how to bring the principles of mindfulness and embodiment to other workouts and everyday life.

“If you’re at the gym, on a run, or in a class doing repetitive movements, do what we did in here and witness the mind and notice the places where you check out. This is the basis of your starting point. Workout again and notice when you check out again. Shorten the amount of times that you check out by actively making yourself stay with yourself. Then, start noticing the other times you feel like checking out and see where the patterns are linked.”

After continuously coming to class, Taryn believes that you start to understand the length of time you’ve been thinking these things of doubt or resistance to yourself. Ideas of not being able to do something, in a gym environment and beyond, are probably really old and Taryn can bet you’ve probably been feeling like this for a long time.

“Use your movement practice to notice the feeling, physically, emotionally, and then begin to work with how long you’ve been feeling that way and start to track it. Once you get to the root of it, you start to realize the pattern,” she said.

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I was moved by this practice – physically, emotionally, mentally. The experience I had within those four walls is nearly impossible to explain other than transformative. I later went up to Taryn and thanked her for class. I told her that I wasn’t expecting an emotional reaction to her class and that it helped ground me.

The Class has set up shop across the coasts. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her site for more information.