Hello, old friend

It's been months since I've written. It's been months since I've been inspired enough to write. Even though I've had so many travels and adventures this year, it has been extremely difficult for me to find the time and space in my day and my brain to write. I let my job take over my world this year and because of that, I've felt a bit disconnected from the creative side of writing again. 

What happens when you're given a super high-profile project and lead role title at work and put yourself through a stupid amount of pressure, stress and anxiety when in reality, everything falls apart and nothing works out the way you thought it would? And then conflict in your personal life surfaces and then you feel you have to make that right all at the same time too? All while you pretend everything is "okay"? You break down. And I did. Hard.

My sleep cycles were all over the place. I remember a week of laying up in bed until almost 3 am just listening to the silence outside my window. I've never heard Oakland that quiet before. I remember waking up drenched in sweat one night. I dropped down to 157 pounds in a matter of what felt like three days. I haven't been that skinny since after college. And then I gained all the weight back, and then some, the following week. I couldn't focus and my memory was totally shot. I took a break from smoking. I felt manic. I felt depressed. I felt like I hated myself for not being able to shake this off. I had completely lost control.  

I let the stress of living and working and surviving in the Bay Area get to me. I noticed I was comparing myself to others who are my age and in my industry and started second guessing myself. I started interviewing. I started asking myself if there's something more out there that I needed to do.

It's been three weeks since we finished our project at work. I feel like I'm slowly coming out of the mess. My priorities in life feel like they have completely changed. I totally understand what corporate burnout feels like and I'm amazed that it only took me turning 34 and the last three and a half years at my job to be close to feeling it. But now it feels I'm in too deep. I have an insane amount of flexibility and freedom with my job to work remotely. I have proven myself to be a "valuable asset" to the company. Isn't that the dream though? To have all that corporate stability and those perks but still work from home every Friday? And sometimes every other Monday?

With all that being said, I hope that this feeling of being ready enough to write again sticks around. We went on this amazing trip to Sedona and I started writing about it and then my message started drifting to the lack of mental clarity I was feeling. I'm hoping to flex the creative side of my brain again because it's begging to get out. 

I feel like everyone I talk to these days is going through some drastic awakening or change and movement. Astrologically, there's a ton of shifting in the universe when it comes to self-reflection, understanding your truth, and learning how to react differently to patterns. Or, at least that's what I gather from all of these witchy, self-care podcasts I've been tuning into recently. 

My astrologer told me this was supposed to be a "beautiful" time for me in the grand scheme of things. And while it sucked in the moment, it's just my nature to find the silver lining with all of the crazy shit that life threw my way. Yes, it's a beautiful thing to live in the present, find gratitude, and be able to set intentions for the future. 

Here's to moving forward instead of trying to fix what happened in the past. To finding happiness in the mess. To addressing your demons and not letting them take over. To adulting. To savoring the waiting until your next big thing presents itself. To growing up and being the person you want to be authentically.