Quieting the mind and looking inward at East Bay Meditation Center
Everyone who knows me in real life would probably label me as a hippie – some even would say a “dirty hippie.” I fully accept that label and I’m even proud of maintaining that trademark all these years and through all of these different friend groups.
Yes, I love walking around barefoot because I love feeling the ground below me. Yes, I stop to say hello to animals in the neighborhood because it brings me joy and I sniff roses in gardens because I find natural beauty to be so captivating. Yes, I gravitate toward natural and Eastern-rooted medicine, food, philosophies and spirituality because it just makes more sense to me. And yes, I have a true relationship with my yoga ritual and I’m tapping into my spiritual intelligence and meditation practice. I’m looking inward to hear what I really need in the moment instead of thinking about what I “should” do.
I’ve felt a little lost these past few months. There’s no doubt about that. But I’ve also spent more time sitting with my feelings instead of brushing them under the rug. I’m an extremely emotional, over-analytical person and I’ve always kept those sentiments to myself. I didn’t share them because I thought they were too personal and I didn’t want to burden others with “my issues.”
Now, I’m taking the time to heal and really figure out what I want now.
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Since having my astrological birth chart read (and having listened to my conversation with Joyce over and over), I’ve intentionally followed and sought out those mystical or soul-guided thoughts and places to find some clarity. I’ve discovered people, yoga teachers, grounding conversations, books, shops, events and so much more that has allowed me to find some peace through all of this harshness. And one of those directional experiences led me to the East Bay Meditation Center.
I found out about this place during my weekly ritual of trying to find something to do over the weekend. I had a weekend to myself and I needed something to “entertain” me. So after sifting through a few of my favorite weekly events calendar sites, I found the center’s event, Silence Emboldens – A Weekend Meditation Retreat to Reconnect and Rejuvenate your Practice.
The two-day silent retreat intended to deepen our meditation practice through mindfulness and loving awareness. The event was a way to reconnect with ourselves to find ways to focus on our mind and what our heart wants in the present moment.
When I first came across this, I thought it was too much. Did I really want to spend the entire weekend sitting in silence? My meditation practice is very beginner. I have issues sitting still. I get antsy so easily and I move around constantly because that’s just my nature. But something within me kept asking and looking for more. Maybe sitting in silence for seven hours was what I needed to quiet all of the busyness in my mind. I was so reluctant to commit to this retreat because I was scared of what I thought I couldn’t do.
I signed up anyway.
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JD Doyle and Jonathan Relucio, two amazing humans who I was lucky enough to be guided by, led our discussions. We talked about intentions for the retreat, how to respect the meditation temple and the sangha (the practicing community), and how to listen to ourselves instead of acting the way we think we should when entering a silent retreat.
Throughout the day, we heard stories about our guides’ past and how they found the healing benefits of mindfulness and looking inward. We heard stories of diversity, adversity and overcoming demons. We were led through guided, silent and moving meditation. We were supported, regardless of who we were, where we came from, or what we were dealing with.
About half way through the first day, we were given an hour lunch break –- after a course on mindful eating (yup, that’s a thing) and I felt like I really didn’t want to stick around. I felt like I wasn’t really “getting it” like all the others who sat beside me. I wasn’t feeling this transcendent experience that I thought would be natural with this type of retreat.
“If I wanted to just sit in silence all day, why couldn’t I just do that from the comfort of my own home?” I remembered asking myself.
I left the temple and ran an errand downtown with the idea that I’d just go home after. But I couldn’t help but hear the voice in my head telling me to give it another try and go back. As much as I wanted to quit and make my peace with everything I’ve learned so far, I knew there was a reason that I needed to return to finish out the first day. So I walked back to the center.
When we started our first guided meditation after our break, I felt a sense of ease and relief. The words were resonating with me finally as I let go of expectation and felt the ground below supporting me. I wasn’t thinking about where I needed to go next, or what else was on my to-do list for the day, where I wanted to have my next meal, or who I needed to call next. As thoughts came into my head, I was able to acknowledge them and then let them go.
For the first time in months, my mind was finally quiet.
I finally felt still. It’s hard to put into words the sensation. But I felt like I could finally step out of my body and my racing mind.
At the end of the day, we broke out into small groups to answer the question, “What is alive in you right now?” I told my partners that I’ve been sitting with a lot of self-doubt –- during the retreat and just in general. I told them that I’ve been second guessing myself a lot but I have discovered that I get to choose my direction based on how I want to proceed and what matters the most for me.
“I get to choose what I do next and how I react. And that’s a beautiful thing to realize,” I told them.
And as we shared even more, I realized that everyone around me was struggling with their own shit and wanted to look inward to find their answers. As we started closing out our day, our guides asked that we continue this mindful practice into our evening – whether as acts of service or just by noticing how we integrate back into the hustle of the outside world.
I eventually made my way home. I couldn’t help but feel the lightness my mind and my body was carrying. I made myself a meal, talked to my boyfriend, and cleaned house. And then I slept hard -– harder than I had slept in months.
The retreat continued for another day as we resumed our dharma learnings and our meditation practice.
I’m a full believer that everything happens to you for a reason. You encounter people, places and things for a reason and I’m fairly certain there’s a reason I was guided to this event. I’m proud of myself for sticking with something that felt so foreign. It allowed me to feel relief and release some of the gunk in my mind and body that’s been blocking me. I’m so grateful to have found the East Bay Meditation Center and can't wait to check out their weekly meditations, yoga and other retreats.
Thank you JD and Jonathan for holding space for us and for sharing your words and wisdom. And thank you to the community for opening your doors and hearts.