The liminal spaces in between

(Originally written on December 4, 2024)

Location: above the sanctuary at Tanaman restaurant potato head. 

Setting: I just finished the vibration sound therapy in the Sanctuary. It smells like rain here and fresh flowers.

I just got out of the sanctuary feeling sleepy and like I took a nap filled with lucid dreams. 

Where did I go that last hour?

Laying on a waterbed with lights and sounds taking over the space, I leave the physical world if only for a few moments.

The physicalness of my being starts to wither away, my itchy skin, I notice the twinge of the “pins and needles” the teacher mentioned before we started. The soreness from yesterday’s pilates class all seem to fall into the floor below me.

The shamanic teacher takes us to another place with her sounds, the songs of birds, Oms, primal noises bellowing from her belly.

Lights start to flicker about, and soon I realize what she meant when she said it could be jarring for people who are sensitive to light.

And yet, I still lay there waiting for “something” to happen. 

As others wiggle about to find comfort, I hear the sounds of the water beds sloshing about. I find my eye mask and get more comfortable as my body adjusts to the floating sensation.

I go deeper. And from that point forward, time seems liminal.

The combination of feeling weightless paired with sound and vibration take over me. I rest into it, moving away from the thoughts in my mind to just let them be where they lay.

Without force, my soul seems to float into another space. There’s no destination, I’m not the one driving this time. But I guess when you look at it closely, there is still a part of me that knows where to lead us.

I’m not really sure what happened in that room. Some of the visuals made sense at the time, some will be left and forgotten in the room with the hope that they come back later in life as a little signal.

It’s hard to find the words to explain the places your mind goes to when you’re guided with meditation and allowed the freeness to just be. Quiet the mind, let what comes up to rise to the surface. Just for it to slowly fade away when the teacher invites you to come back to your body.

Those moments of separation from mind and body, those are the ones that people liken to chasing that silly dragon. 

You can’t recreate it, but when it happens, you know. And you embrace it as much as humanly possible. 

Some people use vices to get back to the dragon, only needing to ingest more to meet him face to face again. 

But sometimes, it’s easy to get back to that space in between by just laying there and letting it find you.

It is a sanctuary for a reason, a place far from the sounds of the street, people yapping about, and a safe haven away from your thoughts.

The entrance fee varies, whether monetary, spacial, or through sweat and tears.

I always want to go back to it as soon as I feel it once again. Like an old friend you see so seldomly, who welcomes you home with the deepest of hugs and most insightful of memories.

I will see you again, dear dragon. Hopefully soon. But if not, I totally understand. 

How I spent 60 days with Jessica Lanyadoo’s weekly horoscope and a lunar planner to deepen my spiritual practice

I’ve been on a spiritual path since my mid-20s, right before what I learned to be my Saturn Return. I always knew that organized religion wasn’t my thing so I sought out my own journey. I’m coming to terms with my overly sensitive, empathetic and analytical Cancer ways. My yoga practice has been going strong for 12 years and I’m finally able quiet my brain enough to have a quasi-daily meditation practice. It’s still in its beginning stages, but alas, I’m trying to listen and follow the lead. 

One of my goals this year was to deepen the relationship I have with myself. A guiding influence that I’ve relied more heavily on was the astrological guidance from Bay Area astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, Jessica Lanyadoo.

I was first introduced to Jessica while writing a piece on the best psychics in San Francisco. We exchanged emails and I fell in love with her philosophy of pragmatics and overall tenderness in her guidance and advice. Ever since I wrote that story in 2015, I’ve been captivated by her style, words and work. While I developed my own relationship with some of the psychics and astrologers I interviewed, I was captivated by Jessica’s style and the way she views outside forces – like the movement of planets and the moon – to show how it all relates to how we perceive the world around us.

A screenshot from Tiny Spark

Over the past few months, I’ve gotten to know Jessica better through her amazing weekly podcast, Ghost of a Podcast; her appearances on TLC show, “Stargazing;” her Oracle-like iOS app called Tiny Spark; and her weekly horoscopes. 

In a way to organize my thoughts, my guidance, and all of Jessica’s juicy and insightful support, I started jotting down her sage advice in a lunar calendar. I picked up the Many Moons lunar planner and decided that I’d really start diving into the practice.

My goal was to track my emotions and feelings in line with the moon cycle and use Jessica’s advice as a sounding board. It was comforting to know that people were going through similar growing pains and Jessica’s weekly astrology run down always gave me some peace of mind.

The simple act of acknowledging where my mind wandered in relation to what was going on in the sky comforted my anxiousness tenfold. 

—-

For the past 60 days, I’ve used Jessica’s podcast and weekly horoscopes, an Oracle deck, and lunar calendar to pay attention to what’s happening in the stars and the moon – and how it all relates to my emotions and experience. Here’s what I did:

• I would listen to Jessica’s podcast twice a week if I could.

• I created a weekly ritual where I set time aside every Wednesday to read her weekly horoscope and write down what resonated with me or what I should be looking out for.

• I would open up her Tiny Spark app for guidance and to take inventory of what I felt around me.

• I used my Oracle deck for confirmation in what I was seeking or experiencing. 

• I would spark up to try and get even more present.

• And I wrote all of my notes using Jelly Roll pastel pens :)

What I love about this lunar planner is that its author speaks to those who work with the guidance from tarot and oracle cards, as well as those who are interested in new moon practices. I followed the January Full Moon Lunar Eclipse Shed and Shine ritual and I definitely noticed the power in reflecting and noticing of what you’re ready to let go of. Jessica had such sweet words during this eclipse. I wrote down things like “Do away with idealism and accept this moment as it is” and “You are meant to look at things plainly as they are.”

The Many Moons planner continues to provide me great guidance on what’s going on in the stars and planets and how I can harness the energy around me as helpful, intuitive direction through life.

The practice of tracking movement in the universe and how it relates to my experience has been fascinating and opened up my ideas of how humankind can be so affected by the ever-changing moon phases and the movement of our planets. I listened to Jessica’s guidance every week as a way to be super aware of my thoughts and emotions and how they could be amplified based on what was going on in the stars.

Jessica Lanyadoo’s Tips for Love <3

Her words were encouraging and allowed me to look at the big picture when it felt like things were going to shit. I pulled cards from my Oracle deck when I need confirmation and comfort when I felt like I was moving in the wrong direction.

Like when I made it to the final round of interviews with Slack, only to find out they moved on with another writer. I wrote down the Oracle’s advice during early January to help support my emotional self:

“Don’t be scared by perceptions of disappointment…These are just signs that the mind needs to let go of control and trust more conditionally in the goodness of life.

Or when I was feeling the intensity of the first quarter moon right before Valentine’s Day and the Full Supermoon the following week, Jessica offered wise wisdom like “Align your actions with your desires” or “Cultivate the willingness to look honestly at what you want” or one of my favorites:

“Pay attention to your body and the ways it houses your emotions. Watch your impulses so that you don’t act out of emotion or without consideration for the consequences. Acting from a place of ego will backfire on you.” 

—-

As someone who gets hung up in their own thought patterns and feels anxiety over the smallest of things, tracking the lunar cycle with Jessica’s advice and astrology has allowed me to feel like I’m not alone.

Jessica is creating a community of like-minded people who are interested in learning more about their birth chart, sun sign and the characteristics attached to it, and how our entire solar system can deeply affect our emotions and experience.

I always thought I was the only weird one in my friend circle who showed an interest in astrology, my sign, and this idea of taking notice of the environment around us for guidance. But Jessica Lanyadoo’s astrology and heart-felt advice, my lunar calendar, and an Oracle deck has absolutely supported my day-to-day and the goals I set forth. 

If there’s anything I learned in 2018, it’s that you already know what you need. The voice inside you, your inner child or spirit as some might know it most, is helping to guide your way. Whether or not you acknowledge that voice or intuition is up to you.

While you may not subscribe to the idea of astrology, it’s hard not to forget that we are all made of stardust.

Conversations with myself: Know your worth

How many people will agree with me when I say that 2018 was a real mother’ of a year. Politically, societally, culturally, astrologically, mentally. Last year knocked me off my feet and I’m eager to move forward into the New Year, take what I learned, and grow from it.

I’ve been struggling with this idea of knowing my worth. Negotiating my worth and having to prove it to others. I put myself out there in SO many ways last year and I’m still reflecting on the outcome of what I manifested.

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I’m in the process of looking for a new job and it’s been amazing to step back and see where I’ve come. I’ve had my head in the clouds doing the corporate thing and it’s been four years since I’ve looked for a new job. I can’t believe how much my professional life has grown. How did four years feel like it flashed by in a moment?

One of the most tedious parts of finding a new job is updating all of your records on career finder sites. I got a reminder the other day from Monster.com that my profile was about to expire. I logged in and started cleaning up house, adding my latest accolades and experience working at my current role.

I got into a black hole somehow and started editing a previous resume from years ago. It was so early on in my career that my internships and lackluster content farm jobs were at the top of the list.

How often do we reflect on how far we come? I’ve been so focused on moving forward, growing, expanding, making and doing more, that I forgot, for a moment, where I’ve come.

Before I started my current job, I felt like my professional career was a hot mess. I started writing professionally in 2006 and interned at a real estate and luxury lifestyle magazine in San Diego, eventually climbing up the ladder to Editorial Assistant. I got a glimpse into what it was like to actually work at a paper magazine. I expanded my territory and my skills a bit and found myself working for a rad luxury magazine in Orange County.

I acted as the assistant to an affluent editor who allowed me to have a voice in art design and schedule and manage photoshoots and writer assignments. It was a dream and I felt powerful when I’d show up to a media party and people knew who I was.

And then the recession hit. All of the magazines I wrote for started shutting down because they couldn’t afford printing costs. People were going digital and so were the jobs.

I pivoted my writing style and learned how to write SEO copy. It definitely wasn’t as glam as my previous jobs. I wasn’t writing about the season’s hottest beauty products or a $5 million home in Malibu. I was writing 500 word “blogs” at a content farm about topics using keywords like “nuts and bolts” or “patio furniture.” The office was kind of a mess, the work was silly, but I met one of my greatest friends there in that office. And not to mention, the teachings and the tools of the SEO world.

Online marketing and SEO weren’t really going anywhere at the time so I worked at a few other agencies writing optimized content for all sorts of clients. I eventually focused on freelance and contract work where I could find it. Through my network of friends and colleagues, I landed gigs writing product specs for Charlotte Russe; proofreading newsletters for the United Way of San Diego; crafting blogs posts for a social media consultant; editing and ghostwriting a book for a financial advisor; and so much more.

One of my favorite jobs was writing content for the marketing group at Intuit TurboTax. I was absolutely thrilled working there. The campus was amazing, the talent there was outstanding, and the company was so efficient in the way it worked. After my season at TurboTax ended, I was eager to get back into the corporate world. I told myself that one day, I’d be the voice behind a major American brand.

I got a small taste of corporate life when I started freelancing for JP Morgan Chase but I wanted more…and I couldn’t find it in San Diego. I told myself that if I couldn’t find a decent job by the end of 2014, I was going to move to Bali for a few months to reset some intentions, goals — my life.

And then I got a call from a recruiter who found me my current role.

Four years later, I’m leaving a place that helped to shape me into the professional I am today. I found my voice working in the corporate world and now I know I want more from myself and the company. I want to stretch my creative muscle again and tell the story behind a brand that’s doing something important for this world.

—

I was chatting with a friend awhile back and she mentioned that during her path to discovering self-care, she learned how to “come into her power.” By spending time learning how to become her authentic self, she was learning how to understand and take control of the power she held within.

Now that we’re 11 days into the New Year, I’m ready for change and I accept the challenge. I’m ready to stretch, learn and be the voice I always knew I wanted to be.

With all of these experiences in all of these forms, I’m understanding how I value myself, my time, and my worth. I used to find discomfort with my work experience because I moved around and learned so many different trades. But now I appreciate all of my past jobs and clients because they got me to where I am today. And I am grateful.

Conversations about Fierce Self-Care with Riyana Rose Sang

Riyana Rose Sang sets a table full of tarot cards, crystals and candles

Do weird surprises just show up on your lap and something within you says, “Yeah, you should totally say yes to that…even though you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into”? It happens to me. Pretty often in fact. I have really good luck with stumbling across a person, place or thing and without having any sort of sense of fear, I just say yes to whatever it is and it ends up being something so beyond my belief.

I stumbled across this event in San Francisco through a sponsored Facebook post and without so much as reading its title and price tag, I decided to sign up for what turned out to the most heart-opening experience with strangers I’ve had in a long time. The event was Rosa Mystica Rising: Herbal Self Care for Witches, Healers & Creatives.

“This daylong deep dive is a devotional experience of tapping into the energy, wisdom, and healing of the earth and the energy, wisdom, and healing inherent in our own bodies and spirits, once we can find our way through the daily noise and move towards silence and deep listening,” I read in the event descriptions.

Yes. This is so up my alley. Where’s my credit card?!

—-

Little did I know that this Herbal Self Care retreat would not only teach me how to make my own herbal infused body oils and the healing powers of plants, but it also provided me with a total self-love, women’s group therapy, crack-your-heart-wide-open experience that blew me away. And it was something I didn’t realize I needed until the moment happened.

Riyana Rose Sang is an herbalist, mom, doula, and former street activist who used to get “excited to get arrested for the earth.” My kind of lady for sure. She gathered us all around and started off our day by discussing this resurgence of “witch craft” and all its forms.

Mercury retrograde memes, tarot readings, astrology, crystals. I’m guilty of all of them. But at the same time, there is some truth to the gaining interest in plant-based medicine and a curiosity for spiritualities outside of what we grew up with.

Riyana teaches us how to make our own herbal-infused oils and heart-opening cacao concoctions

We started by sharing with the group our intentions for the day. We sat around a table Riyana set with two decks of tarot cards, crystals, flowers and candles. We went around the room, we shared our names, preferred pronouns, and intentions for the day.

After a gnarly year, my intention for the day was to learn how to listen and trust myself and my instincts. And to be open to the divine connection between my self, soul and spirit.

—-

Riyana led us through a discussion on what she calls fierce self-care. It’s this idea of finding ways to nourish ourselves in order to grow, expand and connect to the bigger part of the world. We’re all experiencing this evolution of change and we’re being encouraged to confront our emotions. It’s the idea that we’re empowered to take responsibility of our own health and bring awareness to the choices that present themselves to us. And in the end, we radiate a sense of self-respect and self-love. We’re “showing up” as better people because we’re taking better care of ourselves.

Mind. Blown.

As we discussed our own ideas of self-worthiness, our group really connected over this idea of feeling like we’ve had to prove our own worth to ourselves.

—

After what felt like a heart-opening group therapy session, we started diving deeper into the stellar benefits of working with plant-based rituals. I know you’re probably thinking, “Oh, wow Nadia is going a little overboard with this hippie dippie ‘plant-based’ talk,” but you guys. Don’t knock ‘til you try it. I’ve integrated plant-based medicine into my normal routine and I can safely say (knock on wood) that I haven’t gotten sick in 2+ years. Not a cold, not a flu, no nothing. And I owe it all to:

• Listening to my body

• Looking out for germy situations to fight earlier against them (thanks to my very germ-aware work wife for pointing out how gross people can be :))

• And the oregano oil tincture that I always carry on me (which when frequently explodes in my purse makes me waft the rankest, weed-iest smell)

The makings of one of Riyana’s Nourishing Infusions

Riyana led us through a demo of what she calls Nourishing Infusions. The simple action of making a tea and letting it sit overnight creates this beautiful plant-based ritual that I totally want to make part of my morning routine. We learned these amazing things like the nourishing benefits of oatstraw, which Riyana adorably calls like a “hug to your nervous system.” Plus, it’s good for feelings of overwhelm, stress and anxiety, so count me in. Red clover leaf is nourishing to our hormonal systems and is gently detoxifying. Red raspberry leaves help balance our hormonal levels and improve the brilliance of our hair, nails and teeth.

After nerding out on plants we all shared a meal together and got to know each other more openly. Someone at our table spoke up and asked if we could all go around the table and tell each other one thing that we loved about ourselves. Everyone came up with a beautiful answer. I love this ice breaker and I’m totally going to try this in real life.

After lunch, Riyana led us through a movement exercise that was paired with the senses of embodiment and smell. We got the down low on some of her favorite essential oils and dabbed a bit on our wrists and mindfully moved around the room to her voice and soft music.

This experience felt a bit mystical to me, as silly as that sounds. But I was surrounded by dozens of like-minded women who were all relying on the healing scents of geranium, lemon, Roman chamomile, patchouli, and others to just feel what was going on in their body or the emotions and feelings running through them. I dabbed a bit of patchouli and bergamot on my wrist and kinda just moved around the room and stretched. I found myself in the corner of the room, under a frosted window. It seemed like the sunniest spot in the room that moment. I just kinda shook my body around after sneaking in another whiff of my wrist. The scents were invigorating and I felt like I was opening up a bit more while feeling what was going on in my body and brain.

After a few more moments, Riyana asked us to journal our answer to, “Right now, I feel…”

“Right now, I feel open to possibilities. Open to letting of what no longer is needed,” I wrote down.

Riyana led us through a beautiful journal exercise with prompts about how we can find more balance and nourishment in our lives. It was truly amazing to witness where my heart and soul went while I inhaled the mixture of scents on my wrist. Riyana asked us to feel what came through from the plants. I felt lightness, in both form of weight and luminescence.

After re-looking at these notes while writing this post, my answers about the lightness I felt in that moment seemed to propel me to where I am today. I truly think that my experience with Riyana’s self-love retreat helped me to get out of my funk and get me back to what truly matters.

A witches brew: Riyana’s blend of herbal oils in the front and our cacao mixture in the back. Both were delicious.

As we closed out our day, Riyana walked us through a cacao ceremony. She told us about the heart-opening properties of this plant and how it helps to bring more oxygen to your brain by opening up your veins. Before we took our first sip of her amazing mixture, we took a few moments to have a conversation with ourselves.

Yes, it sounds a little crazy, but it was so therapeutic to take a moment to listen to Riyana’s gentle voice, to ponder the next steps to our healing path, and to think of something that we’re ready to let go. My heart and soul were so wide open by this point in the day. I could feel a stream of tears coming down my cheek as I heard some others releasing pain of their own.

From there, we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Back to reality.

—-

One of the first things that Riyana told us was how excited she was because the day of the retreat fell one day after the Autumn Equinox, where day and night, along with the earth’s gravitation pull, are in perfect balance. It’s all about balance.

2018 has been a real mother’ and it felt fulfilling and right and empowering to take an entire day out for myself to focus. I used to feel selfish for doing things for myself because I was so used to pleasing others first. But now I realize the act of self-love is nothing to hide or feel embarrassed about.

The act of self-love should embolden you.

For more information about Riyana, check her out here.

Quieting the mind and looking inward at East Bay Meditation Center

Everyone who knows me in real life would probably label me as a hippie – some even would say a “dirty hippie.” I fully accept that label and I’m even proud of maintaining that trademark all these years and through all of these different friend groups.

Yes, I love walking around barefoot because I love feeling the ground below me. Yes, I stop to say hello to animals in the neighborhood because it brings me joy and I sniff roses in gardens because I find natural beauty to be so captivating. Yes, I gravitate toward natural and Eastern-rooted medicine, food, philosophies and spirituality because it just makes more sense to me. And yes, I have a true relationship with my yoga ritual and I’m tapping into my spiritual intelligence and meditation practice. I’m looking inward to hear what I really need in the moment instead of thinking about what I “should” do.

I’ve felt a little lost these past few months. There’s no doubt about that. But I’ve also spent more time sitting with my feelings instead of brushing them under the rug. I’m an extremely emotional, over-analytical person and I’ve always kept those sentiments to myself. I didn’t share them because I thought they were too personal and I didn’t want to burden others with “my issues.”

Now, I’m taking the time to heal and really figure out what I want now.

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Since having my astrological birth chart read (and having listened to my conversation with Joyce over and over), I’ve intentionally followed and sought out those mystical or soul-guided thoughts and places to find some clarity. I’ve discovered people, yoga teachers, grounding conversations, books, shops, events and so much more that has allowed me to find some peace through all of this harshness. And one of those directional experiences led me to the East Bay Meditation Center.

I found out about this place during my weekly ritual of trying to find something to do over the weekend. I had a weekend to myself and I needed something to “entertain” me. So after sifting through a few of my favorite weekly events calendar sites, I found the center’s event, Silence Emboldens – A Weekend Meditation Retreat to Reconnect and Rejuvenate your Practice.

The two-day silent retreat intended to deepen our meditation practice through mindfulness and loving awareness. The event was a way to reconnect with ourselves to find ways to focus on our mind and what our heart wants in the present moment.

When I first came across this, I thought it was too much. Did I really want to spend the entire weekend sitting in silence? My meditation practice is very beginner. I have issues sitting still. I get antsy so easily and I move around constantly because that’s just my nature. But something within me kept asking and looking for more. Maybe sitting in silence for seven hours was what I needed to quiet all of the busyness in my mind. I was so reluctant to commit to this retreat because I was scared of what I thought I couldn’t do.   

I signed up anyway.

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JD Doyle and Jonathan Relucio, two amazing humans who I was lucky enough to be guided by, led our discussions. We talked about intentions for the retreat, how to respect the meditation temple and the sangha (the practicing community), and how to listen to ourselves instead of acting the way we think we should when entering a silent retreat.

Throughout the day, we heard stories about our guides’ past and how they found the healing benefits of mindfulness and looking inward. We heard stories of diversity, adversity and overcoming demons. We were led through guided, silent and moving meditation. We were supported, regardless of who we were, where we came from, or what we were dealing with.

About half way through the first day, we were given an hour lunch break –- after a course on mindful eating (yup, that’s a thing) and I felt like I really didn’t want to stick around. I felt like I wasn’t really “getting it” like all the others who sat beside me. I wasn’t feeling this transcendent experience that I thought would be natural with this type of retreat.

“If I wanted to just sit in silence all day, why couldn’t I just do that from the comfort of my own home?” I remembered asking myself.

I left the temple and ran an errand downtown with the idea that I’d just go home after. But I couldn’t help but hear the voice in my head telling me to give it another try and go back. As much as I wanted to quit and make my peace with everything I’ve learned so far, I knew there was a reason that I needed to return to finish out the first day. So I walked back to the center.

When we started our first guided meditation after our break, I felt a sense of ease and relief. The words were resonating with me finally as I let go of expectation and felt the ground below supporting me. I wasn’t thinking about where I needed to go next, or what else was on my to-do list for the day, where I wanted to have my next meal, or who I needed to call next. As thoughts came into my head, I was able to acknowledge them and then let them go.

For the first time in months, my mind was finally quiet.

I finally felt still. It’s hard to put into words the sensation. But I felt like I could finally step out of my body and my racing mind.

At the end of the day, we broke out into small groups to answer the question, “What is alive in you right now?” I told my partners that I’ve been sitting with a lot of self-doubt –- during the retreat and just in general. I told them that I’ve been second guessing myself a lot but I have discovered that I get to choose my direction based on how I want to proceed and what matters the most for me.

“I get to choose what I do next and how I react. And that’s a beautiful thing to realize,” I told them.

And as we shared even more, I realized that everyone around me was struggling with their own shit and wanted to look inward to find their answers. As we started closing out our day, our guides asked that we continue this mindful practice into our evening – whether as acts of service or just by noticing how we integrate back into the hustle of the outside world.

I eventually made my way home. I couldn’t help but feel the lightness my mind and my body was carrying. I made myself a meal, talked to my boyfriend, and cleaned house. And then I slept hard -– harder than I had slept in months.

The retreat continued for another day as we resumed our dharma learnings and our meditation practice.

I’m a full believer that everything happens to you for a reason. You encounter people, places and things for a reason and I’m fairly certain there’s a reason I was guided to this event. I’m proud of myself for sticking with something that felt so foreign. It allowed me to feel relief and release some of the gunk in my mind and body that’s been blocking me. I’m so grateful to have found the East Bay Meditation Center and can't wait to check out their weekly meditations, yoga and other retreats.

Thank you JD and Jonathan for holding space for us and for sharing your words and wisdom. And thank you to the community for opening your doors and hearts.